Lost in Translation

In case you haven’t guessed, I am a bit of a Francophile. I have had a love affair with all things French since I visited the country when I was in high school and thankfully have returned since. French was one of my college majors because I adored the language, its nuance, melody and graciousness. As with most languages, pronunciation matters in French and subtle variations in accents and sounds can alter what one is trying to say, as Jeanne, my mother-in-law, learned one day while trying to leave her home in a little town outside of Paris, only to find that her allée was blocked by a parked van.

As the story goes, Jeanne got into the Peugeot familiale one late afternoon in spring to pick up the boys from some activity or another.  She went to leave her driveway but could not.  A van was parked and blocking the allée, on which her home was located, and thus her driveway.  Jeanne honked.  No response. Jeanne gestured, “Kindly move the van, sir.” No response.  Jeanne had to leave to get the kids. Why could the driver not move the van? The minutes dragged on; the two dueling drivers were locked in a death match. Who would move first? Jeanne honked again, and the van driver looked at her and gave her the universal one fingered salute.

Jeanne was pissed. In a last ditch effort to clear the allée, Jeanne rolled down her window, looked at the van driver, Gitaine hanging from his lip and arm resting on the window ledge, and in her loudest New Yorker voice with her “best” French accent proceeded to call the truck driver a “pig” in French.  Or, so she thought.

Now, the word for “pig” in French is “cochon,” and when used as a pejorative, it’s the functional equivalent of an f-bomb and has particularly lewd connotations. It’s not language for polite company. The “o” in the first syllable sounds like “Oh,” as in “Oh, you shouldn’t have.” But that’s not what Jeanne said in her loudest New Yorker voice with her "best" French accent.  Without realizing it, Jeanne changed the sound of the “o” in the first syllable of "cochon" from “Oh” to “Ew,” as in “Ew, what is that smell?” 

As a result of that slight change in pronunciation, Jeanne yelled, “Couchons!” This does not mean “pig." It means, “Let’s go to bed,” as memorialized by LaBelle in the 1975 disco hit, “Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” To which the Gitaine smoking French van driver replied, without missing a beat, “Si vous voulez, Madame.” "If you wish, Madame."  He winked and pulled away from the allée. Jeanne was able to leave.

Satisfied that the piggish driver finally unblocked the allée and allowed her to get on her way, Jeanne initially thought that it must have been due to her adept rejoinder to his one-fingered salute. As Jeanne drove on, however, she remained somewhat perplexed by his response. Why did the van driver say, “Si vous voulez, Madame”? Why did he wink at her? Jeanne thought about it and thought about it on the way to pick up the boys.  Finally, a little light went off in her head. Quelle surprise! Jeanne realized, “I did not call that van driver a pig.  I asked him to sleep with me.” 

Jeanne started to laugh, and still does laugh today, at how easy it was to get lost in translation.